Hello, you handsome several. I know you’re just as rib-pressingly eager to get on with this week’s dissection of the bulbous, limp frog we so deludedly label “The News”, but I want you to wait for a moment – I have yet to introduce our guest commentator. And this week’s guest commentator is this lunatic: cheerful espouser of vengeful religious wrath, Westboro Baptist Fred Phelps!

And now: THE NEWS.

• Slipknot’s bassist Paul Gray has died. Although no reason has been given for his death, bottles of pills and a syringe were found next to his body.

“That’s whatcher git for bein’ a filthy devil-worshipper, with yer heavy metal music and yer monster masks. What’s the big ideer with ‘em masks anyways? Good God-fearin’ folk can be scary without resortin’ to masks – good honest folk like myself are the scary face of God!

• The Eurovision Song Contest has been won by Germany. The highlight was without doubt the moment astonished victor Lena’s eyes widened, as she grabbed the microphone and enquired “Do I have to sing now?” Then the charming look of fear as the realisation set in. “Ohhh… okay…”
  

“That’s whatcher git for bein’ a buncha fags singin’ in a faggy song contest. Has no one heard the Westboro Baptist Church’s music? We don’t have to resort to nonsensical, filth-filled song contests or put up with snide commentary from that fag Norton to embarrass ourselves musically!”"

---

• The Westboro Baptist Church were once more labelled “damned interfering jackanapes”. This came as they plotted to picket famed dead person Ronnie James Dio’s memorial.

“That’s whatcher git for bein’ a buncha crazy, delinquent idjits who couldn’t even — waitasec! Nooooo! I’ll get you for this, He-Man! You haven’t seen the last of Skeletor!”