We Do The News

Extreme professionalism, that's the ZME way. I go the other way. Not like that.

Hello, you handsome several. I know you’re just as rib-pressingly eager to get on with this week’s dissection of the bulbous, limp frog we so deludedly label “The News”, but I want you to wait for a moment – I have yet to introduce our guest commentator. And this week’s guest commentator is this lunatic: cheerful espouser of vengeful religious wrath, Westboro Baptist Fred Phelps!

Phelps, doing his best Dirty Harry impression. Yesterday.

And now: THE NEWS.

  • Slipknot’s bassist Paul Gray has died. Although no reason has been given for his death, bottles of pills and a syringe were found next to his body.

God Hates Interfering Chiefs of Police“That’s whatcher git for bein’ a filthy devil-worshipper, with yer heavy metal music and yer monster masks. What’s the big ideer with ’em masks anyways? Good God-fearin’ folk can be scary without resortin’ to masks – good honest folk like myself are the scary face of God!


  • The Eurovision Song Contest has been won by Germany. The highlight was without doubt the moment astonished victor Lena’s eyes widened, as she grabbed the microphone and enquired “Do I have to sing now?” Then the charming look of fear as the realisation set in. “Ohhh… okay…”

God Hates Interfering Chiefs of Police“That’s whatcher git for bein’ a buncha fags singin’ in a faggy song contest. Has no one heard the Westboro Baptist Church’s music? We don’t have to resort to nonsensical, filth-filled song contests or put up with snide commentary from that fag Norton to embarrass ourselves musically!””


  • The Westboro Baptist Church were once more labelled “damned interfering jackanapes”. This came as they plotted to picket famed dead person Ronnie James Dio’s memorial.

God Hates Interfering Chiefs of Police“That’s whatcher git for bein’ a buncha crazy, delinquent idjits who couldn’t even — waitasec! Nooooo! I’ll get you for this, He-Man! You haven’t seen the last of Skeletor!”

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