Hello, you handsome several. Has your week been so jam-packed with exciting chases and perilous thrills that you simply haven’t had a moment’s pause in which to consult the wireless ticker for the latest and greatest goings-on in the mile-a-minute maelstrom that is the music “biz”? Then hark: we have a very special guest on-board to provide you with all the info you need. Our guest commentator for this week’s “news” is this famous dead thing: incorporeal bearded infomercial huckster, Billy Mays!

And now: THE NEWS.

• Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow are set to record a duet. It’ll be the first time in 15 years the Take That ex-bandmates have recorded together.

“HI I’M BILLY MAYS and I’d like to talk to you about AN EXCITING NEW PRODUCT: MANBANDS. It’s got all the CHEESY, GOOEY GOODNESS OF A BOYBAND, but with TWICE THE FAT, and a SLIGHTLY STALE SENSATION that makes you wonder if you’ll REGRET THIS LATER TONIGHT when you’re in bed unable to sleep BECAUSE OF THE GUILT.”

• Alanis Morissette has revealed that she married rapper SoulEye on May 22. Reports that it rained on her wedding day remain unconfirmed, but hilarious.

“HI I’M BILLY MAYS and I’d like to talk to you about AN EXCITING NEW PRODUCT: IRONY. Available for the FIRST TIME EVER in purchasable form thanks to AN ANGRY WIZARD, this is one product you DON’T WANT TO MISS OUT ON – perhaps due to having spent ALL YOUR MONEY on a dictionary trying to GET A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF IRONY.”

• Weezer have released a song to tie in with the USA’s participation in the football “World’s Cup”. The “World’s Cup” is a popular sporting event held every five years, where upwards of ten rugby teams compete for the titular “World’s Cup”.

“HI I’M BILLY MAYS and I’d like to talk to you about AN EXCITING NEW PRODUCT: SHINGUARDS. These SHINGUARDS are the next big thing in PROTECTIVE SPORTING LEGWEAR. Call now and recei— AAAH OH MY GOD I’M A GHOST WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?”