Hello, you handsome several. I know you like keeping up to date with the happenings of the day. Or, in this case, the happenings of the week. This is a round-up, you see – the most efficient way for you to digest the bite-sized treats that we so affectionately and perhaps exaggeratingly call “The News”.

This week, your special guest commentator is this pope: The Pope!

And now: THE NEWS.

• The Arcade Fire have released snippets of two new songs on their website. A handful of seconds of “The Suburbs” and “Month of May” are available for listenin’s on their website, and they sound rather spiffing.

“Little known fact: back in the 70s, the guys im Vatikan cooked up a neon bible, much like the one this “Arcade Feuer” talk about. Of course, after an internal misunderstanding, a cardinal ended up blind in one eye, and a couple of expensive tapestries burned down, so we had to abandon the concept. We mostly just use it für parties now. What was the story again?”

• U2′s Bono has had emergency back surgery. A mysterious injury was suffered during tour preparations, and will cause the postponement of the band’s Salt Lake City show, and possibly more besides. A witty Twittererererer posited that the spinal mishap occured during head/anal insertion.

“Pah! Witty? You don’t know witty! Witty is when Cardinal Jurgen puts the Jesus sock puppet on his hand and does the funny song and dance! You have to see it mit dein eyes! Lamb of Gott, that man! He gets this special look on his face, and it’s just… it’s just – you have to see it. Anyway, yes, Bono. I like Bono. But oh man! He doesn’t make me laugh like Jurgen!”

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• British schoolchildren are writing an Ian Curtis symphony. The late Joy Division frontman is being paid a number of tributes in his hometown of Macclesfield on the 30th anniversary of his death. Many of the residents have promised to frown slightly more than usual.

“Schoolchildren? Nein! I did nothing, Offizier!” (There are quickly departing footsteps, followed by the sound of large wooden doors slamming shut, and an automobile – possibly a Popemobile – sputtering into unenthusiastic life, then speeding into the distance.)